Blank

The sad girl with the blank eyes, devoid of all emotions.

The quiet girl with the hesitant, shy smile.

She won’t give you her all, she won’t let you in.

I remember her,

I still remember when,

Her eyes used to light up with passion,

Her smile used to light up the whole universe,

Her soul used to shine brighter than the sun.

Her black eyes, were so dark and mysterious,

Entrancing, you can see the galaxies deep in her gaze,

So mysterious and enthralling.

She won’t give you her all, she won’t let you see,

There is nothing left in her for you to see,

I glimpsed the whole universe, I believed in magic.

She had the whole universe inside of her.

Full of life and passion.

Full of sadness and despair.

When she lets you in, she takes all of you,

Happiness, sadness, silliness and mournfulness.

You become her sun, moon and stars.

The day she found me drowning in my last shred of misery, her beautiful soul couldn’t keep it all inside, couldn’t contain the sadness and bitterness.

In death I found beauty because of her.

But she doesn’t know, that she set me free, that I am happier now.

It was too much for her,

I was the cause of her supernova.

Her soul broke, she erupted in the most beautiful,

heartbreaking phenomenon ever.

Her blank eyes hold the ashes of what she once was.

Blank, vacant dark eyes filled with the

ruins of her past.

The Unfolding

Turmoil, avalanche of thoughts, bombarding my skull.

Knocking on the walls with insisting pressure.

“Ugly, silly, stupid, dependable, unlovable.”

Bullets, dipped in your own made poison, shot at point-blank range.

Sitting in the dark room, for the 10th day in a row,

Wedged in the corner to grasp the demons

It’s me, myself and the demons, yet again.

The enfolding of my life.

Kiss me for the last time

I’m looking into his eyes, and it’s like I’m looking at the face of a stranger.

It’s a lie. The love and compassion I should have found in his eyes are not there. It’s warm but it’s not right.

A lie I made it all in my head. The future I saw is just an illusion.

He doesn’t feel the same, it was all a  lie. How desperate was I?

It shows now than any other time, there is always this part of him that he hides from me, and I can’t deny it anymore. He is right in front of me, but not really here.

How didn’t I see it before? After all this time? I had a crush on him since forever, he didn’t say anything but we fell into this comfortable unspoken deal of paradise.

Burning flames, and flowing passion, deep within that scrotch to the bone.

Now my haven turned to my purgatory.

I foolishly accepted it, thought it might be more than mutual need, because there is no one better for me to come along. He is it!

But he kept holding parts of himself for someone better.

He asks “are you even listening to me?” snapping me out of my earth-shattering realisation.

I mumbled distractedly; “yes, yes, just give me a second to check on something.”

As I get up trying to walk steadily to our room, doing my best not to sprint right out of there.

Getting inside the room and locking the door. The snap of the lock is deafening. Marking the end of us. Of me.

Melting into a puddle of a mess on the floor. Sinking into a dark hole, swallowing me whole.

I’m not an idiot, I know that he wouldn’t love me just because I do. That you can’t make your heart feel what it doesn’t.

But, he makes it all too easy to believe. That he might feel that way someday, but as days, months and years pass by, I can’t lie to myself anymore.

I wipe the silent tears on my cheeks and pick myself up. Mind made. I can’t go on like that.

This is why I was denying the truth staring me in the face. Because If I admitted it then I will have to make a decision and it’s like someone is shredding your very being to mingled nothings.

I get out and without talking, straddles his lap and holds his face in my hands.

Without looking in his eyes, I know I am not that strong, if I saw the confusion and lust in his eyes, I would cave. So I kiss him instead.

Feels his soft lips against mine, I lick the seam of his lower lip and he opens up for me. So I take his breath away.

Kissing him deeply, giving him all that I am feeling into this kiss.

This last kiss.

He tries to take control like he always does. But I stop him with saying: “not this time, let me. I want you” and I mean it more than he can ever guess at the moment. I need him more than my next breath.

I won’t ever feel him again, won’t ever have this again. As he has already ruined me for anyone else.

This is the last time I will ever feel alive. Ignited from the inside out.

I take his shirt off and kiss every inch from his chin down to his chest, I caress my hand all over him, memorizing every freckle, every scar and I kiss every inch of his warm flesh, biting, licking and kissing till I reach his pants, I can feel that he is already hard for me. It is always like this between us. He is always ready for me.

Why wasn’t I enough for him?

As I unbuckle his belt, I kiss his lips passionately, bruisingly.

Selfishly wanting him to remember me even for couple of days when I am gone.

Working down his pants, he takes off my dress, and I am naked over him.

I kiss down to his neck as he joins our bodies. I gasp as he fills me, fully to the hilt. We stay like this for seconds, he ask me, confused: “what brought this on? is everything alright?”, so I start moving, distracting him from my pain.

He moans low in his throat and I feel it all the way to my clit, vibrating inside my bones.

He starts moving in earnest. Moving hard and holding my waist in a bruising grip, he doesn’t have to mark me, I will always be his, even if he’s not mine.

I bury my face in his shoulder, as I shudder around him, breathing him in, branding himself further in me, he smells like the pine shampoo he uses and a musky, unique scent that is all him.

I come undone around him as a tear hits his shoulder, but I feel him filling me, groaning his climax. As our breathing come back to normal, I kiss him one more time and slips away from him.

I get dressed and when he dozes off to sleep, I look at him one last time.

I realize that I am stalling, wishing deep inside that he will see me and make me stay.

But he doesn’t.

He’s the one I love but I’m saying goodbye.

I walk out and get in the cab waiting for me.

Once safely inside, I let my tears falls freely.

It is done.

He can now find someone who he can love...

Escapism

Packed pub, grinding bodies, music thumping.

Feeling the beat pounding deep in the bones,

Alcohol frizzing the bloodstream, crumbling the walls,

Lowering the inhibition, slowly, gradually.

Feeling his hand on your waist, swaying to the melody,

Cocooned in your own universe, only you, the music and your rapid-firing mind.

Depressing, self-loathing and hurtful thoughts are embracing you, chilling you to the bone,

Taking another big gulp of the sedative alcohol, pushing them back,

Turning around and kissing your partner, passionately, deeply, drowning your thoughts,

Losing them in the feel of his lips, tongue sucking yours in, stealing your breath,

Silence, warming your bones, chasing the chill with his energy, with his lust.

You sever the connection, gasping for breath, and they attack viciously,

Gnawing at her mind, fervently, clutching her more forcefully, afraid of the light.

Monsters of the Dark, Lords of the Shadows clawing and scratching at her mind,

Seeking her attention, needing her submission,

The big bad fearless demons are afraid… afraid of his influence, of the sweet nothings whispered in her ears.

His caressing hand, his loving words defying their claws-deep influence,

The thick thighs, he’s grabbing and pulling her back to him,

The bulging tummy, he is caressing with his thumb,

The curvy love handles, he is squeezing admirably.

Whispering his appreciation for her curves, her lush body and soft skin.

Grabbing her face between his hands, he captures her lips in a searing, soul-consuming kiss.

From the outside it seems like they are lovers, partners drunk on each other,

But it’s much more than this, their souls are soaring high, demons vanishing, hiding.

He provides her with the best escape plan, better than alcohol, drugs and the hardest of sedatives,

He is her drug, temporary drug for momentary silence.

A bright light in the haunted house that is her mind.

The purgatory, grey zone that is her life.

It’s just her and her all-consuming emotions, but for once, they don’t tempt her to reach for the razor.

She is drowning in euphoria, floating in rapture.

Imaging more than the next few minutes, hoping to live another day, glimpsing sight of  the sun after years of darkness.

Sensual Sexuality

It's sensual to be sexual...

The sensual intimacy of your body ignited by a powerful, blazing partner.

The utmost focus that selfless partner is giving you, like you are the most beautiful being in the whole wide universe.

As if you are the only being in this galaxy he wants. He sees.

The tenderness, the gentleness of his touch as if he is holding a precious crystal and afraid to hold too tight, fearing it will shutter if he pressed little bit too hard.

The infinite ways his eyes, lips and touch conveys his care, love and respect for your body.

The breathless gasps he showers you by, making you feel for the first time feminine and gorgeous.

For the first time you feel worthy of that caress.

He makes you feel safe and shielded in his embrace.

He’s on a sacred quest to learn every inch of birthmark and scar that decorate your body.

His mission is to admire, to love each and every part you loathe about yourself.

It baffles you that he isn't repulsed by the extra weight low in your belly, and you know he isn’t galled by the way his lips tenderly kisses and sucks on that belly you were ashamed to uncover.

Belly, love handles and thighs you always have to turn off the lights first before undressing when he is around.

He makes you feel that there is absolutely nothing wrong with your body, that all the guilt and shame you feel are pointless, because he fancies you just the way you are.

And you feel for the first time in a long time that you are a sensual woman and it is liberating.

He wishes you can see yourself through his eyes, how utterly astounding you are just by being you, how absolutely satisfied you make him feel.

How you made him suddenly conscious of his heart.

He can feel his heartbeat oscillating in its cage fighting to keep you, how utterly breathless he is when you are near.

The confidence he inspires in you, combusts your inhibition like no amount of alcohol ever could.

You show him, that you are not made of glass, but bones, muscles and a big heart.

You give more than you take and you show him.

You show him how much he means to you, how much you appreciate his gift by bringing him to the very edge of heaven, to the brink of believing in magic, because what he is feeling is completely inhumane.

His mere human body has never experienced this overwhelming concupiscence running in his bloodstream.

To the point that he is standing by the abyss’s cliff and waiting for your go-ahead, because he knows that this is the only way he can know you from the inside out, to jump in that endless, whirling abyss with no way out.

He does not want a way out, he is lost in you, fascinated. And it is exhilarating.

Exhilarated and elated, you want to drink him whole, to feel each part of him, over you and in you.

So you give him the go-ahead and he descends into the abyss, intoxicated.

And you are right there to catch his fall

It’s sensual to be sexual.

Flesh against flesh.

Breath to breath, breathing each other in.

Rough Fingertips caressing.

Lips kissing, sucking.

Stubble scratching soft skin.

Bodies withering, colliding.

Backs arching.

Hands pulling tousled hair.

Scrumptious thighs wrapping around solid waist.

Hardness against softness.

You become one being, connected in so many ways that you don’t know where he ends and you begin.

Pretzeled, intertwined.

Feels like your bodies can’t keep your souls captive anymore, they want to roam free, soar as high as their translucent forms allows them to.

To never plummet back to captivity.

When is the right time to say goodbye? An issue with a man

What the fuck is wrong with me and men?

My choices are all fucked up, they always have anger issues, mommy issue or just plain immature.

Am I so attracted to mentally ill men?

Do I plan on fixing them?

Am i attracted to the brokenness in them?

I am not a fucking psychiatric, I don't know the first thing of fixing anyone.

If I had the knowledge, I would have helped myself.

Or am I the one broken?

No. I am not. I have my issues, but they are not to the point of hurting someone. let alone, someone I claim to love.

Then why am I the one being hurt? Over and over again.

What is wrong with being met halfway. They all want to have the good without working through the bad.

Well, tough luck.

I am sick of all the effort I have to put in a relationship, for being wrong in everything I do.

What happens to guys mentality, once you surrender and give them your all, do they get greedy?

Yes, they definitely do. They expect you to do everything, no one of us don’t want to do our part to have the happily ever after.

Or is it a myth?

The happily ever after, I refuse to believe so. Love exist, actual decent men with maturity age higher than 6 years old, exist.

The decent guy who will show you -not just tell you- how much he appreciate you, and want you beside him, who is proud to have you, exist.

And don't let any boy convince you otherwise.

Am I too old? Am I set on my ways? I am 25 turning 26 years old this October, what will happen when I am 30 or even 40.

I am flexible with my partner if he is mature emotionally.

Being mature emotionally, will let them open up, put themselves in your shoes, they will be able and would love to lose the fight to win the war.

The war being, your relationship together. It is worth it at the end,

Men. just a word of advice, believe that it will be worth it at the end.

Being short-sighted is harmful to everything in your life, even your day-to-day decisions.

I would even go to the extent of taking Mr. Darcy of “Pride and prejudice”  who let down his guard and pride aside for a woman. For his partner in life.

The question now is; When is it time to say goodbye?

When you try once, twice, infinite number of times…

I am drained.

Emotionally and mentally drained.

Is it just me? Does anyone out there in this wide world feel even slightly the same.

With all this being said, I still naively believe in love concurring all.

Even when a guy who is too prided to talk a problem out and hangs up without solving the issue. I still believe in love.

I still support love.

And no matter what life throws at me.
I will still make lemonade and believe in love.

No man will ever take away that from me, that is my power.
Salute to every woman still believes in love.

Fuck you life.