Kiss me for the last time

I’m looking into his eyes, and it’s like I’m looking at the face of a stranger.

It’s a lie. The love and compassion I should have found in his eyes are not there. It’s warm but it’s not right.

A lie I made it all in my head. The future I saw is just an illusion.

He doesn’t feel the same, it was all a  lie. How desperate was I?

It shows now than any other time, there is always this part of him that he hides from me, and I can’t deny it anymore. He is right in front of me, but not really here.

How didn’t I see it before? After all this time? I had a crush on him since forever, he didn’t say anything but we fell into this comfortable unspoken deal of paradise.

Burning flames, and flowing passion, deep within that scrotch to the bone.

Now my haven turned to my purgatory.

I foolishly accepted it, thought it might be more than mutual need, because there is no one better for me to come along. He is it!

But he kept holding parts of himself for someone better.

He asks “are you even listening to me?” snapping me out of my earth-shattering realisation.

I mumbled distractedly; “yes, yes, just give me a second to check on something.”

As I get up trying to walk steadily to our room, doing my best not to sprint right out of there.

Getting inside the room and locking the door. The snap of the lock is deafening. Marking the end of us. Of me.

Melting into a puddle of a mess on the floor. Sinking into a dark hole, swallowing me whole.

I’m not an idiot, I know that he wouldn’t love me just because I do. That you can’t make your heart feel what it doesn’t.

But, he makes it all too easy to believe. That he might feel that way someday, but as days, months and years pass by, I can’t lie to myself anymore.

I wipe the silent tears on my cheeks and pick myself up. Mind made. I can’t go on like that.

This is why I was denying the truth staring me in the face. Because If I admitted it then I will have to make a decision and it’s like someone is shredding your very being to mingled nothings.

I get out and without talking, straddles his lap and holds his face in my hands.

Without looking in his eyes, I know I am not that strong, if I saw the confusion and lust in his eyes, I would cave. So I kiss him instead.

Feels his soft lips against mine, I lick the seam of his lower lip and he opens up for me. So I take his breath away.

Kissing him deeply, giving him all that I am feeling into this kiss.

This last kiss.

He tries to take control like he always does. But I stop him with saying: “not this time, let me. I want you” and I mean it more than he can ever guess at the moment. I need him more than my next breath.

I won’t ever feel him again, won’t ever have this again. As he has already ruined me for anyone else.

This is the last time I will ever feel alive. Ignited from the inside out.

I take his shirt off and kiss every inch from his chin down to his chest, I caress my hand all over him, memorizing every freckle, every scar and I kiss every inch of his warm flesh, biting, licking and kissing till I reach his pants, I can feel that he is already hard for me. It is always like this between us. He is always ready for me.

Why wasn’t I enough for him?

As I unbuckle his belt, I kiss his lips passionately, bruisingly.

Selfishly wanting him to remember me even for couple of days when I am gone.

Working down his pants, he takes off my dress, and I am naked over him.

I kiss down to his neck as he joins our bodies. I gasp as he fills me, fully to the hilt. We stay like this for seconds, he ask me, confused: “what brought this on? is everything alright?”, so I start moving, distracting him from my pain.

He moans low in his throat and I feel it all the way to my clit, vibrating inside my bones.

He starts moving in earnest. Moving hard and holding my waist in a bruising grip, he doesn’t have to mark me, I will always be his, even if he’s not mine.

I bury my face in his shoulder, as I shudder around him, breathing him in, branding himself further in me, he smells like the pine shampoo he uses and a musky, unique scent that is all him.

I come undone around him as a tear hits his shoulder, but I feel him filling me, groaning his climax. As our breathing come back to normal, I kiss him one more time and slips away from him.

I get dressed and when he dozes off to sleep, I look at him one last time.

I realize that I am stalling, wishing deep inside that he will see me and make me stay.

But he doesn’t.

He’s the one I love but I’m saying goodbye.

I walk out and get in the cab waiting for me.

Once safely inside, I let my tears falls freely.

It is done.

He can now find someone who he can love...